Evil Spirit Could Emit Tears From His Eye Ducts
by Ugly Pink Machine
Summary: This is a parody based off of the atrocious excuses for fanfiction known as Mary Sues and self insertions. Dante meets another demon slayer, and she's... A GIRL! OOOH! I might make it longer once my writer's block lets up, but til then, here it is.


A/N: I hate Mary Sues and self-insertion fics. I really, really do.

"Go back to Hell, you ugly freak!"

Dante kicked the lumbering Frost in its snarling face, taking a step back to slice it cleanly in half. Emitting a startled screech, the demon's gargled scream cut off in mid-bellow as its organs began to internally decompose before the demon slayer, falling in two neatlycut pieces on the carpeted hallway.Dante flexed his muscles and gave the camera a winning smile before lunging forward in the shadowed hallway to attack the next group of grotesque but lethal demons, Alastor flickering with blue electricity, ready and poised for attack. He swung hard in a graceful arc, taking out three of the monsters before him, when he heard footsteps behind him and the click of a gun.

One of the Frost's heads exploded as it was pounded with a parabolic shower of hot lead.

Dante sulked and shoved Alastor back into its sheath, turning around to face the figure. How dare they interrupt him while he was on the job? He was getting_ paid_ for this crap, and whoever was giving him opposition had better have a pretty freaking good explanation for trying to steal some of his glory. But what he saw upon turning was shocking.

She was the most Beautiful Woman In The Entire Universe.

Dante gasped, gloved fingers trembling and grasping for his heart, stepping back in a stunned silence. The Most Beautiful Woman In The Entire Universe pouted her ruby red lips and lowered her gun, still smoking with gunpowder, golden eyes fixed on his lighter blue ones. She had long blond hair, held back in a low ponytail that went down past her spine, and a serene, doll-like face that made him swoon and quiver, like a delicate flower in a strong wind. The Most Beautiful Woman In The Entire Universe wore a tight black tank top and a short black skirt, accompanied by incredibly impractical red stiletto heels.

"I," she said, her voice soft and sultry, "am Nicole, and I can take it from here -- Devil Man." For emphasis, she used her mind powers to make one of the demons' heads explode.

Dante gasped and swooned some more. The Most Beautiful Woman In The Universe was also a demon slayer! Who would have thought! The chances of that happening were like zero to a billion! And _mind powers_! Ooooh!

"Okay," Dante said, in his best tough-guy voice, "but on one condition."

Nicole shrugged her narrow shoulders, crossed her arms across her chest.

Dante got down on one knee and produced a small green box from his left coat pocket, eyes welling up in tears, a nervous, boyish grin playing at his lips. "Will you marry me, Nicole? I.. I've never felt this way before. From the first time I saw you thirty seconds ago, I just knew we had to make out and have babies and become an unstoppable, demon-fighting team. You complete me."

The Most Beautiful Woman In The Universe burst into tears and fell to her knees, hugging Dante around his neck. "Yes! Oh, god, yes, of course I'll marry you! I love you so much! Let's have lots of babies together!"

Dante sobbed like a child into her shoulder, sniffling and shoving the box into her left hand. "Good. Good."

As the two stood up, Nelo Angelo apparated behind them and began to play the violin, a slow, romantic tune that made Dante's heart perform amazing feats of gymnastics. Nicole sighed happily as the white-haired halfbreed opened the box, sliding the ring on her finger. "Oh, Dante, it's gorgeous!"

"_You're_ gorgeous," he said, and the two of them exchanged knowing smiles. She leaned in, bearing a wide grin on her beautiful, luscious lips, and Dante gently encircled her shoulders with his left arm, leaning forward to --

--

"NICOLE!"

The chubby blond jerked from her computer chair, turning to screech at the open bedroom door, "WHAAAAT MOOOOM?"

"DIIINNER'S REEEEADY!"

Nicole sighed and eyed the computer wistfully, then smiled.

"Don't worry, Dante. I'll be back to continue our marriage as soon as I finish my macaroni and cheese."

- Fin :O


End file.
